I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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