Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
This house was built for laser tag.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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