if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
