I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
