So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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