i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Floor bacon is actually really good
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize