um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
