i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize