I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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