i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
