I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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