I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
