The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
