It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
