I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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