i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
