I wish I could punch you in the face.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
