Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
