We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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