I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
