i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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