It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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