So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
