no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
