so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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