There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
