you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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