My liver just broke up with me...
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
