Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
