We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
