Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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