I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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