I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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