someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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