Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize