Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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