Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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