did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
