margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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