I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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