how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
