I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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