Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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