they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
