I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
smell my finger.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize