mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
