I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
