I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
