I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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