Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
