Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
