I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize