i jhust puked up my retainher.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
