the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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