Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
