I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
