I will die if light touches me.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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