Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
